04.02.06 (10:16 pm) [
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loneliness
"I never knew it was you who was breaking my heart.I thought you had to love me.you did not."
Very true.
I always feel that. in the end,when i finialy realize things, its always people who least expect who is breaking your heart.
and here is my fears,being rolled out like water on the sand at the beach. my fears is that,if someone loves me,they have to. not just out of want,but have to. and if they dont, then i get defensive and offended if i didnt get any positive feedback.
because when i do something good,i always need positivity,and if its not,i feel offended.
damn you fears.
i am learning.
these unrealistic things,alot of things are missing in my mind,so then i create this illusion like everythings ok. but to only find its only my loneliness reflecting..
04.02.06 (8:19 pm) [
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let it go
i just got to let it go.
let everything go.
hope.
that is what im going to name one of my kids.
its so pretty so simple,so meaninful.
my head is spinning
i need food.
i need some emotinal health.
04.02.06 (6:54 am) [
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not behind the wall
so i went to confession.
And i let it all out.
I told the priest how I lie and How I steal.
in a catholic confessional, youhave the choice to either go face to face or go behind the screen/wall thing.
usually i go behind the screen,and i mean normally everyone does.
but today,i decided to take a step of bravery.
i went face to face.
all my years of life,and i finially did it.
i knew if i went face to face,it would be more truthful,and i am on a journey of truth now.
i felt good. i faced the truth.
and
he challenged me
not to lie
for 2 weeks
and see what happens.
i am up to it.
i havent told a lie yet.
03.31.06 (10:35 pm) [
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sweet little lies
these lies.i tell myself.and to my mother.and to my life. and to my brain. to my friends.
lies about where i am going. to whom i am seeing. to who i will be.
lies,that i can't control,for they form on the top of my head,did i create my own game? where am i.
and why am i so tired.
my back is always hurting.
i give up,but i am too determined of not giving up.
my spirit is drained.
always thinking about what i can get in and out of next.
i shouldnt become upset over a fling.
this fling,has made me a mad woman.
03.25.06 (4:50 pm) [
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happiness
i went to the movies,and he was such a gentleman.
i like him.
i like this new starting thing.
i was smiling the whole way out of the movies at what exstacy he broguht me just by holding my hand the whole time.
simple things go long ways.
03.23.06 (10:36 pm) [
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assurance
i got the assurance i was always looking for. i called my mom,and what she said,had challenged me in many many ways. i had to take a step out of my comfort zone. my comfort zone are my thoughts. i think and anylaze everything,it is my big comfort zone.
i told mom how i was frusterated still,she said "well if your thinking too much and if u think u talk 2 much,talk 2 god" and that was a first smart thing coming out of her. and its true,i spend more time talking and anylazing myself,so then i did start to talk to him,first outloud,then in my head.
i started 2 realize how i was calming down,i kept saying "i am giving all of my worries to you" and i prayed to not feel anxious all the time. and everytime a worry or a thought comes 2 mind,i just say a prayer saying,dear god please take this worry away i give it all to you,and then i feel released,like no pressure for once.
it feels good not feel like a jumping lunatic !
03.22.06 (9:20 pm) [
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dont have to know
so,i dont have to know. i dont have to know where to end. thats my problem. i have NO idea where to start,but for some reason,i only care where i have to end. thats my problem. forget the end, thats why the middle sucks cause there is no beggining,i always start in the middle.
no more middle.
i need to create.
create something new.
yes,create a new ,or maybe not create a new me,but better this me.
03.22.06 (7:29 am) [
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try
If i try,the world tries, if you try, i try.
i will not sit and wait for things to change. it is a waste of my time.
Iwill not hide anymore.
i like the sun.
im so scared about the future,and the past. but im ready to look. im ready to open.
and sway with the wind,and fall through the cracks between the sidewalk.
and im going to dosomethings that never been done, im going to be decent to myself. its going to be hard, but for some reason,many people can't do that.
nothings ever enough. you do one thing, one thing must come down,you go up,another goes down.
but, i must attempt the impossible.
i keep laughing at myself, as a defense.
im falling,but if i am lost,i will be found,or i will crawl out of my whole i dig and find myself.
i believe in the light
03.20.06 (10:17 pm) [
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go.foward.
last nite i wrote a 2 page writing on who i am. through out writing it, i felt my heart sinking,and anger rising. i think it was the demons i need to fight out of me in order to move on with who i will be. i never been so honest ever with myself that it hurt and made me mad. but i knew,i was doing it for me,and a good cause.
i learned just how scared i really am. and how i am a lonely person,but despite loneliness,i know how to look past my own pain and learn to laugh. which is a good thing. i have a loud laugh. behind my laugh,you would never believe there is a hidden person. but its ok,because this hidden person is coming out,and into the world and what is real and what is not.
im sick of the bull shit, and lies, and downs. and jealousy, and despair and betrayl. im done with it.
i hate feeling those miserable feelings, misery does in fact love company.
i guess the best thing i can do now,is take one day at a time,which i have been doing. because sometimes,i find myself looking foward to the future so damn much,i get mad at the present,and dont take it for what it is.
life.is more than our insecurities and secrets.
03.18.06 (5:46 pm) [
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all you got is hurt
dont ask anything from an extremly emotinal person. Because all you would get is pain and hurt from them.
So dont ask "i want all of you" what if all of the person is pain? Eh,yeah sounds depressing.
man i got so humuliated yesterday,wont get into it.
Anyways,i realized something yesterday and the day before. I think who we really are comes out when are happy. i do believe us as humans were born free and happy. So i think,when we are happy, thats who we truely are. our true character is when we are happy,or either under pressure.
but id like to agree with my own statement for that matter.
maybe im looking at it in a humanistic point of view,then oh well.
but i just feel like,humans were made to be so violent or such pain. but the pain and violence teaches us the happiness we strive for. but ,when we do finially strive and get that happiness. who we really are,comes out.
you know,those bright smiles, the happy laughter, you dont feel as fat and heavy as you normally do.
those kind of feelings.
Hmm.
i need to get out tonight. i might just might find myself tonight.:)
GOodbye.
03.15.06 (5:18 pm) [
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the sunshine state
finially made it.I love florida=) i feel good. i feel like i need a break,because i am braking inside.
i dont even believe in pain anyway,or so i try to convince myself.
pain is only temporarily.
so yeaaa.
new begginings will arise now,and im ready to start this new chapter of my life.
no one from my old life is allowed in this one.
so i wil now erase every single moment of my past life. trust me,i think this is going to help me,its sort of a way of grieviing over my past life,and starting a new one
03.13.06 (9:45 pm) [
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the girl who could and could not.
im always waiting for the day. you know "THE DAY" i always talk about how life would be so much better if it could fast-foward to "THE DAY"
"THE DAY" is suppose to mean happiness, a love in my life, not anxious
I dont know. and its painful,waiting for "THE DAY" when i can just make "THE DAY" right now! Yes,i am very aware of what I should do,but i can never seem to do it.
ill just let people believe what they want to belive.
im probably more hurt than i ever realized,but its ok cuz its ok.
i got confronted from my college's counsler, saying i need to see somebody. holdup. all i talked about in front of the whole class.
ok so i got up in front of the whole class and said this "Yeah, i know what it feels like to loose somebody,um,when,um i was ,um young,i lost my dad,and i dont know. i feel like im going through those stages you talk about,mrs.throne,all the time. i feel like i go through them all the time. every day. and i feel like all my life ive been in this confused state,like i never got out of it,im stuck in a haze,but i don't like to talk about it,because i just dont." And then she said, well i know you dont want to see anybody,but i hope you do.
fact is,i do see a psychologist,but funny thing i just noticed,i never bring up my dad or anythin gof that.
cause first thing in grieving is avoiding.
and my god,do i avoid alot in my life.
have i been greiving over everything that has happend in my lfie? I feel like i avoid every situation i can get out of.
i feel like i have to lie myself out or steal my way into this world.
half of me can't take it,and the other half encourages me.
i talked to my friend phallon today,how i wanted tobe love. not the damn cheap thrills i always get. people come in and out of my life,like its nothing. its only cause i allow them to escape though. and i dont know why i just let people go. i hate it,but somehow i convince myself,its best they go. but i dont even care anymore.
im just trying to find something. i dont know what it is.
im always paranoid,anxious,and im more of a comedian lately too.
03.12.06 (10:45 am) [
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self-let down.
he puts the front of his dick inside of me,and im thinking, "where am I" "Why is this happening" So i push it out of me. he looks at me and says why are you scared.
i admitted i am always scared. "come back to me if your ready to be with me" he says.
I replied, "but all my life,ive always been ready for this,or something,what you dont want my brain or my emotions or anything?,sod ont you tell me that"
And i left for good.
its amazing what you preach. but its so hard to keep that preach and amazement up. so here you are telling the world that your a good person,but your behavior is sooo out of line.
i always need to be noticed. im tired of it. when sometimes i want to hide in a corner.
so the counsler of our college told me,"maybe you should see someone because of your dad"
How the hell did that get in there.
i hate talking about that. first of all, i already do "see someone for my problems" But somehow,no,i never really talk about my dad.
i need that support. ifeel like im running this life by myself,and apart of me doesnt want anyone,cause they might confuse me or mess me up,and im just sick of it.
im sick of wanting attnetion,im sick of being vulnerable,im sick of having a low self-esteem and having constant approval,im sick of myself. im sick of wanting. im just plain sick.
and---i think tahts the most honest ive been with myself ever. im trying here.
i wont let myself off the hook,but secretly,i wish i can just let myself go and stop holding my own self-hate grudges against my own self.
oh,its ok,im ok. yeah. im always ok.
yup.
nothing changes.
03.10.06 (7:10 pm) [
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what I really hate.
is when people correct me,and like i actually believe that i know what im talking about. i hate it when people give me suggestions,because i take it the wrong way. i hate hating.
i hate alot of things,but when i hate and am angry,is when im with mosthonest with myelf.
also i must scream. screaming is also when we are most honest with ourselves.
i just want to punch somebody,and that's real.
no flowery shit. this is real
03.10.06 (8:04 am) [
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true confessions of a silent dramatic ray of sunshine
"...those who can most truly be accounted brave are those who best know
the meaning of what is sweet in life and what is terrible, and then go
out undeterred to meet what is to come."
I just found that quote,and somehow my life revolves around it. i think i was destined to find that quote. cause i do know what is sweet,and what is terrible,and then im just here,for whatever happens.
true confessions of a silent dramatic ray of sunshine .-its my new big writing. i am going to be focusing on it for along time. so im starting now.
has anyone ever thought how the sun feels? The sun is needed so much. it's needed to make us happy or "brighten" our day. because we are just missing that "light" in our lives. the sun is needed to dry away the rain. its to help those plants grow and help all the gardeners. it has alot of needs and expectations. but has anyone ever been to the REAL surface to the sun? How it's actually boiling hot,and from far away it's just an illusion,and that's just how people are, an ilusion. but deep down,you cant go near that sun,or it will burn you and melt you. it is boiling all the time,steaming,molt and lava and what not throwing itself all over the place.
I think sometimes,like humans,we have that part of us. Or me,actually.
The sun is very dramatic, but we need it. desptie it's own anger,we must depend on the sun. live and breathe with the sun.
this is my story...
(to be continued))
03.08.06 (10:42 pm) [
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feel
im attempting to feel something I can believe in.
i dont know where and waht went wrong. but i am fixing it.
for tomorrow its guna bea warm day! and alot more warm days to follow!
Maybe I should apologize to myself for all the depresison and sadness and over baggage of stress i carried onto myself?Maybe i should apologize to those who have carried it with me.
maybe i should do alot.
maybe.
maybe,i need to give,then give in.and i am giving my view on things now! im standing up to people. i am being more fiesty,and letting them KNOW when it upsets me. no more corner,hissy fits in my head or turmoil.
its done.im done
ding. the spaghetti is done.
ding ding. i am done.
im ok.
im finding my way. but i only find my way when im happy? How come,i always say positive things when im happy. i talk about what "can be" when i am accepting and happy,but when im mad,i go back to being hostile. i hate being that way,but thats just the way it is,or so they say.
yup. who to believe
im not sure. im done with being self-obsessed with feelings and hoping sum1 can get me. i never wanted any1 to get me or understand me subconsciencly. i alwyas had something to hide. and now PRESENTING FROM THE TRUE LIFE OF ME:::
---true confessions of a silent dramatic ray of sunshine ----
03.06.06 (3:09 pm) [
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moving.on.
these are things i have just realized and i will name them now:
i have to accept without feeling guilty.
i have to leap without being afraid i might fall.
i have to talk without having a fear of someone figuring out the real me.
i have to take an easy,instead of taking charge.
I have to love instead of hoping someone would love me first.
I have to know the difference between happiness and comfort, and not to get them confused.
I have to understand that im moving foward,and i have some letting go to do.
I have to realize it's ok to be by yourself sometimes.
I have to be weak, to find my strengths.
I have to be strong, so i can gain some courage.
I have to stop having irrational expectations of nothing.
I have to know that i am here for a purpose.
i have to know that i matter. only to myself.
i have to love myself,and take myself for what i am,and not who i want to change myself into.
i have to love god, and let the pain ease out,is most of all.
goodbye for now.
02.18.06 (1:15 am) [
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rope and string
I see my life has a rope and a string on your shoe at the same time.
now,my rope theory. is that my rope is a tug-o-war king of rope. one half of me is tugging on one side,and the other half of me is completley opposite and pulls the other way. and me as aperson is in the middle trying to keep both sides of the rope stable and together,because i am trying very hard to not let them go or make them fall apart or break. i now realized that if i let go, both sides will get their ways. so see where im getting at? I think i will untie my rope.
now,my string theory
I am also a shoe string on a shoe because,i am tieing myself,and ikeep double knotting everything. then when i need to take off my shoe,its very tight on my shoe since i double knotted it. so maybe if i loosend it up a little, itd be easier.
Now hmm. get what im sayin there?
yea im a weird person and i always think lol,i guess u can cal lme symbolic. i mean,eevrything has meaning,i like taking simple and daily objects liek that,and turn it into life possibilities.
so maybe if i let go,and loosend up. things will be different,hmm.
i think so:)
02.13.06 (6:49 pm) [
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in lyrics of james blunt..
so i recently was listening to my friend's new cd by james blunt. his words and his words are so real i luv it.
so to sum things up here goes sum lyrics of 1 of his songs on his cd..
But I don't need no alibi - I'm a puppet on a string.
I just need this stage to be seen.
We all need a pantomime to remind us what is real.
Hold my eye and know what it means.
I'm out of my mind.
Y
02.12.06 (8:55 pm) [
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oh puhleasee flooaat away
my mouth is dry,and i have a strong addiction to eating icecream when it gets cold outside. my hair is not what i wanted it to be today, i want to expose myself to the world,i feel like i am hiding in a random nutshell because im always mad at myself.
im trying to lower my self-expectations because im realizing i cant live up to my OWN self- expectations and its eating me up alive. and i also realized no1 else is living up to my dream world,and that is driving me mad too.yes,i need to slow down. i need to write more,and recollect on what just happend these last few days.
when ufall in luv,u have to be vulnerable,ready to take risks,cuz thats how it is.
yet,i try to avoid being vulnerable,and pretend not to take risks,but yet,just falling is a risk itself.
what do I know,anyways?
Barely anything.
this iscecream and my dementing thoughts has gotten me no where.
i am ready to let go.
if sum1 would just look at me,i am really pathetic and ready to burst.
i want to go away.
i want to be okay.
if i think about another day.
another day being better,i know itll be better.
01.29.06 (8:25 pm) [
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confusing
im ready to give up with myself and everybody. I hold such random anger towards myself when I can't figure out my feelings. One of these times is where i cant figure out my feelings,and i feel like im spining around in the same damn circle,playing a random game,hoping i win the get out of jail free card.
i just want something to be confirmed. iwant something to be settled.i want myself to be confirmed and settled. yeti cant have what ialways want.
what i want is a number one please, with a side order of trust and lust.i want a order of questions,and why this and why that.
i want a order of,why am i so happy,when yet my confusin makes me wanna cry.
can sum1 be sooo happy,but yet so confused it makes them cry? Well thats how i am,im just really weird.
i just want to figure myself and this love. and life all out.
im so sick and tired .
but i will settle for wut i have now. for wut i have now is great for me.
"I promise,he couldve murderd someone,or sold crack,and i swear, i wouldnt like him anyless,hey i look pass anything,i guess that is love huh?"
01.24.06 (12:54 am) [
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falling
i think love brings out the best of us. if you honestly think about it. just think how nice and sweet we are to one another when we are in love. if you catch me out of love,i am a very bitter lonely person who tries to pin point life's mysterys and just oh so empty. but when love comes to you,it's so unexpectant, but you wouldnt trade anything anyway,even if it wasnt anything you had 'planned' sometimes,i enjoy being a fool. though i spent my life trying hard not to be a fool, i think being a fool in love is the best way of letting go. letting go of all the random anger and tension you had within yourself. being a GOOD fool is laughing at yourself despite the horriable mistake you had just made.
love just does it for all of us. i think when we are in love with someone,it brings out the human in us. the human who we were all should be. or the "good" in us. and it's great. its just great .
but still always a downside to it. broken hearts. cant live with them,and life wouldnt be the same without them.
i guess it all helps us grow. we can make it past the brokenness inside us,or so i think. we all have something to mend everyday. something to get over each day. always somethin,huh:)
01.22.06 (7:56 pm) [
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are you lost or imcomplete?
i am both. because i just got home from ym great grandma's funeral up in pittsburgh. i never felt so happy. who knew,loosing someone,can help you gain apart of yourself. im sad that she died,but i feel like i gained something of myself that was always lost. and i feel good. i mean really damn good haha.
i think i am very insure of myself. eh,im insure and insecure,and i wont let any one tell me im not one of those,because i know i am. so i hope no1 beter not talk me out of the truth.
often we find the truth is something that we've been avoiding all along.
but once its found, all you can say is "what's done is done." thats all ive been saying all weekend.
my family was in the car,and they kept arguing about something that happend ,and i said hey,whats done is done. my brother said thats true,and everybody kinda shutsup.
so. whats done is done.
maybe im realizing all this stuff because death brings on something new to me. the things i dont understand is the stuff i cant explain and refuse to explain but wont admit.
im ok tho.
im getting better at this life.
01.13.06 (9:44 pm) [
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one more time.
so iw as driving home with a friend of mine and her dad,iw as looking at everything pass me by,and all ican think in my head was "one more time" so i know,it must mean something,or soon to mean something,so this is all the sense i made of it.
One more time.
Me and you.
We will run down to the end of the road where the street ends.
We will make a left, because we've been right all along.
One more time for me and you
And i promise we will quit what we've been pretending to do and be.
Just one more time
Do it for love, before we brake our own hearts and continue on like nothing ever happend.
You can pretend to enjoy what you are doing
And i can pretend to be rich.
One more time before we must depart.
We can live just one more time.
We can save each other just one more time
before we must quit, and go back to the realest of realities.
We can taste what life can be and should be.
Just give it a chance,one more time, and i promose to call it quits.
I will never go back,if only one more time
We can be in love, and make believe we have a story.
And if we dont have one more time
We will move on
And love somebody like we never cried those silent tears of pain at night and in our sleep.
We will love so hard, that we will be foolish.
Come follow me, second chances and romantic dances.
one more time could kill us and bring on more pain
But i'd like to say,my dear boy
the risk is well worth taking.
01.12.06 (9:42 am) [
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how to deal
I live on Twenty-second Street in a broken down apartment. I have a doormat with the word chichcabob on it. Chichacob would be my name. I live in the poorest neighborhood in the whole city. It’s always dark; always fights, and I have to keep my big mouth and foot shut.
& nbsp; My apartment has a foul smell due to the problem that I don’t take my trash out ever. My Ceiling is peeling off also.
& nbsp; &n bsp; It’s hard to get around because I have one foot. It’s very large and green with two feet long hairs on it. I’d like to believe I am quite normal, but others don’t.
& nbsp; &n bsp; &nb sp; My shirt is too little for my stomach. I always wear a red shirt. The rest of my gut hangs out of it. I have a really big and disfigured head. I have four eyes, and two ears like a bear.
& nbsp; It’s hard to buy groceries because my hands are like frog’s hands, very wet and slimy.
& nbsp; &n bsp; I work at the local McDonalds downtown. The streets here are very messy, but I would never change a thing. I work with a friend of mine named Goggle. Goggle is always sitting down and eating the food. Humans stare at me in a psychotic way.
My manager always yells at me because I can’t move around fast.
& nbsp; “What are ya doin’, Chichcabob? Your big foot is stalling everybody! C’mon get it together!” my manager yells directly to me.
“Hi can I take your order?” I say.
The human being replied, “ ah, yes I’d like to have a number one super sized please”
“sorry sir” I started to say, “We don’t have super sized anymore”
& nbsp; “What! You ingrate! Son of a gun. Do you know what it’s like to support four kids on your own? And I come to McDonalds at the end of the day for some kind of relief, and now you tell me I can’t have super sized?” The human replied angrily.
& nbsp; The human glared at me and gradually walked away. I tried to sit down but I remembered I have no butt. My manager said it would be best if I left the job forever, and that’s just what I did. I still wonder how Goggle is doing there.
Since I can’t walk, I hop. So I started hopping down the street and people ran away from me. I ask myself, why are people so afraid? And if they aren’t, sooner or later their own joys might be replaced with fear. One day every monster and robot will shun human beings and runaway from them. Humans will soon be the runaway targets. Till then, I need to get some plastic surgery.
I hopped back to my apartment and tried to go to sleep. I couldn’t because you could hear people arguing and screaming outside. I tried to call the cops but the cops are afraid to come out here themselves. So I learned how to deal with it.
I’m going to try and find a new job. The humans look at me as if I am Chinese and am speaking Chinese when I ask for a job. I felt like a stray cat begging for some food. I am begging for more. I am begging for grace and some respect.
& nbsp; So I have a large foot and I’m not your average Joe. It doesn’t mean I can’t be respected. Or maybe it does mean I can’t be respected. The image everyone portrays is that you have to be this way or should be that way in order feel self-satisfactory and respected. I am a five year old versus Mike Tyson in a boxing match. I lost. I’m out of this game we all play. If I give up, the world will gain control of me, and I can’t do that.
& nbsp; &n bsp; &nb sp; &nbs p; ; & nbsp; &n bsp; &nb sp; &nbs p; ; * & nbsp; * & nbsp; *
I am working at Burger King now. The boss here yells at me occasionally, but it isn’t as bad as McDonalds. It is winter, and everything is getting colder. My apartment is falling down even more, and my landlord does not care enough to fix anything that goes wrong. I heard a loud bang sound and I hope everything is all right. It was as loud as can be. I thought someone or something had just got shot. I hopped outside, and it was just a hunter shooting at some geese. I sat down on my break in burger king. People were moving the chairs all around. I felt as though the chairs were squeaking and singing out loud.
I am thinking I can do more with my life than just sit around and work at fast food restaurants that never get me anywhere. It only gets me pocket change, and I barely pay the rent. So I am going to write a book. It’s going to be good “ How to Deal” By Chichabob.
& nbsp; &n bsp; &nb sp; I have the ending of my book planned out already. It shall be this, “ Though you may walk through the grave yard and mourn, you shall walk through peace and smile. Life has been rough, and people have been rougher. Breaking silences with unnecessary arguments. Always trying to find the easy way out will get you half way to where you need to be. If you pray to god that you can cope. All will be fine. And learning to deal is golden. I dealt with the in’s and the out’s, the winners and the losers. The rich and the poor. Through it all, you learn one thing. Everyone is the same. Everyone has the same feelings
